You and your book enjoyed your first times together. You laughed and curled up together. You even found their little quirks endearing. But then the unthinkable happened: You got bored, annoyed, perhaps disgusted. In an instant, you realize you made a hideous error in judgement.
It’s time to face facts: You hate this book. You can’t stand reading another page. It’s time to break up.
Fortunately, book breakups don’t have to be messy, awkward, or sad. Here are three simple steps to make breaking up with a book a breeze.
Step One: Choose a breakup strategy.
The Gradual Breakup:
Let’s say someone in your life hooked you up with this book. Maybe it was a recommendation from your best friend or a pick from your book club. You’re just not ready to throw in the towel.
What you can do in these cases is what I call the gradual breakup. Skim the pages. Read the first and last line of each chapter. Read the final chapter. The goal here is that little by little, you break free. You can even look for spoilers on the Internet. Then if your book club friends ask you specific questions, like, “Did you like it when Antonio and Clarissa finally kiss?” You can say, “Oh, yeah, that was pretty great.”
Now, the gradual breakup can be a dangerous method of breaking up with a book. You’re skimming the pages, and suddenly you’re curious why Galahad gave up his throne. The next thing you know, you’re back in this relationship. It’s like letting an ex come over for the night. Next thing you know, he’s got his feet up on your couch and he’s drinking your beer.
Cheating:
Another popular method is cheating. Hook up with a new book before you break it off with the old one. If the new book sparks your interest, you won’t be able to go back. Also, cheating on books is never frowned upon by even the staunchest moralists. It helps sometimes to visit a library or bookstore. Just seeing all those rows of books, beautiful books will inspire you to drop that loser.
Ghosting:
Yet another fun method of breaking it off is ghosting. End things swiftly. Drop it cold turkey. No explanation, no awkward conversation. Stop where you are. You’re done.
Step Two: Decide what to do with the book.
Return it to the library. Sell it to Half Price Books (for their very generous offer of a nickel). Give it to the local charity. Bye-bye, baby. Just don’t put it on your bookshelf. Never keep books you haven’t read on your shelves. When your non-reader friends come over and look with disgust at all the books on your shelves and ask the inevitable, “Have you read all these books?” you want to be able to say an honest yes and feel all smart and condescending.
Step Three: Let go of guilt and anger.
It’s easy to wallow in guilt about quitting a book, so don’t do that. Make it about the book’s shortcomings–not yours. It’s not you, it’s them (Random House, Penguin, self publishers). And don’t be mad at the book. Don’t go on an Amazon-review rant about how awful it is. Don’t be angry at yourself either. Show compassion to both yourself and the book. Save your anger for real things, like terrific books made into terrible movies.
There you have it. A few easy-to-follow steps for breaking up with a book, so you can get on with your life . . . and get it on with another book.
