Welcome! This month’s topic is: health advice that sounds great on paper but is super hard to follow. We’ve all heard endless health tips from experts, influencers, and that friend who developed a sudden obsession with chia seeds. Some of the advice is great. But the chances of most of us starting a “cold plunge gratitude routine” are basically zero.
What follows are my favorite pieces of health advice that I absolutely should follow but would very much prefer not to.
“When you’re hungry, just drink water.”
You might think you’re hungry when you’re actually just thirsty. Nutrition experts often recommend drinking water first to see if the craving passes. But whenever someone says, “If you’re hungry, just drink water,” I immediately know they’ve never experienced a hard-core craving for Cheetos. Because if I’m sitting at my desk at 3 p.m. pining away for cheese dust, a glass of water is not going to fix the situation.
“Stop eating when you’re 80% full.”
Health experts say to stop eating at 80% full because it helps with digestion and portion control. The problem is, I have no idea how to tell if I’m 80% full. I would love to walk away from a meal feeling light and clear-headed, because I stopped at 80, but I operate using only two settings: “still hungry” and “why did I do this to myself.”
“Take a walk after dinner.”
Taking a short walk after dinner can help our food digest. And every time I hear this advice, I picture a cheerful couple in matching spandex, dashing out the door after dinner, strolling through the neighborhood, getting their exercise, feeling good. Meanwhile, after I eat dinner, my body immediately enters horizontal mode. I do not want fresh air. I do not want steps. I want to splay out in my pajama pants and recover from the physical toll of eating a plate of chicken enchiladas (the cheesy kind).
“Never eat in front of a screen.”
I mean, come ON. Yes, several studies have linked increased screen time to poor eating habits. But everyone knows watching TV is part of the dining experience. Some foods require it. No one is scarfing down leftover Chinese food straight from the carton without watching an episode of Gilmore Girls they’ve already seen seventeen times. That’s just science.
“Avoid belly fat—it’s the worst kind.”
Okay, but… how exactly? Because every health article says this like belly fat is a lifestyle choice. I can only speak from my own experience, but everything I eat goes right to my belly. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get food or fat to move anywhere else. Who are these magical people gaining weight everywhere except their stomachs? I would genuinely like to meet them.
I know most of this advice is good for me. Deep down, I want to be the kind of person who drinks water instead of snacking, takes relaxing evening walks, and stops eating precisely at 80% full. But I also just started my day off at Krispy Creme. So there you go.
